So I’ve been listening to a lot of Drake and Anita lately. But somehow in between them, I was able to come across this song, Sacred Space, by India.Arie. Honestly, between her and Anita’s Tidal playlists, I’m rethinking the type of love that I need and want in my life.
There’s a lyric in this song that India sings: “When this life becomes a fight. You are where I put my gloves down.”
…Honey, that hit my spirit in different way. Those lyrics expressed a type of love that exudes peace, comfort, and sanctuary.
Listening to it got me to thinking about whether those things would exist naturally between two people or whether a couple would have to work toward find and maintain that type of love.
There are so many ideas and suggestions about love within our culture. An obvious example can be found in love songs. Anita and India are even better examples. I’d like to say that Drake might have one or two ideas about love that are actually solid. Maybe…
But it’s difficult to determine what to require from love these days. The dominant theory of our culture doesn’t even seem to value love much. So it’s definitely not effectively teaching us what to REQUIRE from love for it to be long lasting and beautiful.
Are there prerequisites or demands of love for it to be one’s sacred space? What are some things that you require from love for it to feel right and good? Share in the comments! I’m learning! So help me out! 🥰😩
I want to hide… Literally just want to get under the covers, ball up like a baby and hide. Why? Because of this feeling of rejection—and how I chose to respond to it. Disclaimer: This post is going to share my flawed reactions to a recent male friend’s choice to be in a relationship with someone else. No details about his identity will be revealed because, well, that just wouldn’t be fair.
If you’ve been following the blog for awhile, you probably remember the following quote:
Posted in January of this year, the photo reached just shy of 2,600 individuals and sparked 41 profile visits on Instagram. Cool, right?
Well, it probably would’ve been dope—if I actually would’ve taken my own advice. You see, I entangled myself intimately again (this time, building what I thought was a stronger friendship) with the same man this post was about just three months AFTER I wrote about being content with us not being in a relationship.
Now, let me be honest this time around, I have not really been self-aware these past few months. I thought that I could be intimate with him and not catch feelings. Honey, I had it mapped out so clearly in my head.
…Until, we started acting like real friends toward each other. Because of this new pattern of interactions, my feelings grew exponentially faster than his did. When I realized he had become interested in someone else, again lacking self-awareness, I thought “okay, cool, we can still just be friends.”
Big pause here: Show of hands. How many of you think I was ready for us to just be friends?!
Seriously, what was I thinking?! Deep down, I knew I wanted more from the beginning and should have been honest with myself enough to create boundaries to let him know that as well.
But that wasn’t the choice I made. So when he decided that he did NOT want a relationship with me again—one would likely think: Oh, she knew it could end this way. She’ll be fine.
I did know that it could end this way and yes, because I’m an adult who made the choices I made, I SHOULDA been fine with his decision. But, for the sake of my own personal growth, let me tell you why I wasn’t:
I do not handle rejection well.
…There I said it.
I’m honestly just not used to it. I was one of the top students in school all throughout my life. Got rewarded left and right for my intelligence, work ethic, and ability to help others. I was popular in college and am still very much the person everyone has a good time around. Other guys are vying for my attention. So why wouldn’t he want to be in a relationship with me?
That was the million dollar question that I didn’t realize I was even struggling with this time around. When I say struggle… it took TWO good friends to sit me down on TWO separate occasions over the course of this past week for me to realize that I have been giving this man hell over a choice he FULLY has the right to make. (Note: 🥴🤦🏾♀️ is how I feel admitting to this and realizing I’ve been acting like crazy person. I’m supposed to be cooler than this.🙄)
Last Friday, without knowing about my situation, one of my best guy friends was venting to me about a woman he’s been involved with recently. Hearing his feelings about her actions confirmed that I had been irrational with my expectations of the man I was only intimately involved with. So, it was then that I decided that I was over it. At least, that’s what I thought.
Then, yesterday, after sending a text to the man that explained how I felt—about him not choosing me—I called another good friend for validation when he told me I was wrong. How could he say my feelings were wrong? But, because my circle keeps it very real with me: she told me I was DEADASS WRONG for some of the things I said to him. Ultimately, I apologized to him because of that conversation and her ability to help me see a different perspective.
So this morning when I get another like on the Instagram post above, I realized that this feels terrible because I’m not used to feeling “rejected.” I wanted something from him that he didn’t want from me. Hence, the REJECTION.
If I was more self-aware or problem-solving this for one if my own friends, my advice would be that:
1) I could have chosen to not fool around with this man.
2) I could have been real with myself—and chosen to correct my attitude toward our time together.
3) We were just two people making decisions about what we wanted in the heat of each moment.
4) Despite how much you disagree with their choices, you don’t always deserve an apology.
5) Sex and friendship does not equal a relationship.
Everyone has choices to make in life and we’re not always going to like what other people decide. These past few weeks have helped me to become more aware of my own choices and although I still feel bad for how I was treated and how I decided to react toward the man, I’m thankful that this experience has granted me insight. Next time, I know to be more upfront with myself.
How do you know when you’re not acting like yourself? Have you had an experience that caused you to act differently than you normally would act? What lessons did you learn about self-awareness? Full disclosure: I’m still learning and your comments may help me grow!
Here’s a question: What does it mean to “match energy?” The other day I was writing and reflecting on a few things and a thought came to me: “Vow to never again reciprocate anyone’s negative energy….”
It’s no secret to the people that know me the best: I don’t “match energy” well. When someone does something or says something offensive to me, I normally ignore the action. It took me awhile. Whew, Chile! Talk about growing pains. But I realized that if you’re not in my personal circle, what you and say and do doesn’t hold much weight with me. 🤷🏾♀️
Moreover, trying to match that person’s negativity always makes me feel worse in the end anyway. Quite honestly, my conscience eats me alive when I do lash out at other people, because I know better. I know that I’m supposed to strive to follow Jesus’ example and even He could ask for the forgiveness of the very people who crucified Him. Jesus’ connection with the Father and desire to please clearly overruled His desire to “match energy.” His example is leading me to learn how to practice matching God’s Spirit—despite my flesh.
The word came to me and I’m sure it won’t be easy, but I have to “vow to never again reciprocate anyone’s negative energy.” So to help me with this, I’ve been reading Ephesians 5 and listening to a song called “Bliss” by Jubilee Worship.
Have you ever had to grow in this or a similar area? Share your experience in the comments below. I’d love to hear your story!
—Sincerely, Tyra 🖤
Dear God, today, I say your will, not mine… . Father, take my heart as an offering. Take my mind, my body, my dreams and my thoughts—You can have it all. . Mold my heart to love You even more. Shape my hands to serve Your people without complaining. Fix my mind to always remember that You are my help. . Wrap us all in Your loving arms so we feel protected wherever we may go. Cover us, Heavenly Father. Mind, body and spirit is Yours for the taking. There are areas in our lives that only You can see what the outcome will be. I extend those as offerings as well. We have been grieving too long for things that are not like You. We commit to letting You be in total control of our situations and our circumstances. Work on our behalf as You have been doing. You can handle it better than we can anyway. . And while You’re doing that, we will praise Your Name. We will sing of the magnitude of Your presence. We worship You. Reign forever and ever and ever. Capture our attention again with Your Holy Spirit! We invite You to rain down everything that You have for us. As we continue to give You control, grant is the patience to be at peace with this next season, with the people in our midst and with ourselves.
Listen, sometimes what looks like an obstacle is actually an opportunity!
If you can, take the babies with you to vote today.
It’s a reason they are out of school and we are off work at the same time!
It’s the perfect opportunity for them to see the process and learn something.
My Joy had so many questions.
But don’t get it twisted, we definitely had the Black mom’s “don’t touch nothing… don’t ask for nothing… don’t breathe on nothing” talk before we left out the house.
And I Lysoled (I now declare this a verb… It took auto-correct six tries before it decided to let me be great) all of our outerwear when we came back in.
Then we prayed over mommy’s vote, our health and the health of the seniors that live in the building where my precinct is located (and, of course, 5-year-old-life things like play doh and her crayon colors).
Yeah it sucks that we have to vote (and actually work while we’re at home, might I add) during this period of chaos and confusion… But there is definitely a small bright side.
(Politickin: The Chicago Peace Project participants discussing future goals, ancient societies, and their favorite cartoons while creating art in trauma-informed breakout sessions facilitated by the Teen Arts Council members.)
(Drop Me Off at the L: Teen Arts Council members facilitate an icebreaker called Mr. Taxi Driver for The Chicago Peace Project participants.)
Is it still Friday? Cool, this “Flashback Friday” is dedicated to the Chicago Peace Project and our awesome day with local artist Karen Perkins and the Teen Arts Council youth. Chicago Peace Plan is a curriculum that I created to foster meaningful exchanges between teens and youth from different neighborhoods.
As the youth talked about their future career and entrepreneurship goals, ancient civilizations and favorite clothing, I thought about the meaning of trauma-informed care. When Black boys talk about ancient history and Black girls laugh and find happiness in the moment. I kinda feel overjoyed.
Were there experiences like this for you as a young person? Share how you benefitted from it in the comments below!
Having a conversation with a good friend and she asks me about a guy that I used be involved with wondering about the “end story.”
So I told her we grew apart and let her know that I really believed he didn’t want a committed relationship.
She went on to ask how I knew that he didn’t want one. My response: “If we both wanted the same thing, we would be in a relationship right now.”
I had to explain to my friend that I knew this because he never made a deciding move. Don’t get me wrong now, we’re not on bad terms. We don’t hate each other. We simply aren’t meant to be committed to each other. And ultimately, his actions (or lack thereof) spoke for his desires.
As women, sometimes society wants us to wait around for the man to “get his mind right,” “get his stuff together,” and figure what he wants—or even, lead him into the relationship.
But sis, let me you something: You know what you deserve! Don’t let that man distract you from living the life that you want or sit around waiting for him to pick you.
GO LIVE YOUR LIFE!
The man you’re supposed be with will come along and make his intentions very well known, sis! —Sincerely, Tyra
I’m on cloud nine and I don’t wanna come down. | Natural high, haters can’t make me calm down. | Hunting for it and I could eat it right now. | These mf’in poems ain’t gon sell theyself na. | 😂…
(Okay, I got it out of my system! I watched the entire season of Rhythm & Flow yesterday after church.)
But, if I’m being honest: That mini verse completely describes how I feel after this weekend. It was such a dope display of village love in terms of celebrations.
On Friday, I got a call from one of our partner organizations asking if I could be a panelist during their final city-wide meeting for the year. Um… yes! (Well is was more like: YAAASSSSSS.)
Then, I participated in a panel showcasing my first book, A Smothered Scripture on Saturday.
It was really cool to hear the stories of the other authors and give advice to some aspiring writers. The overall experience made me realize how little of a platform that I’ve created for myself as someone whose normally coordinating events to showcase other people’s strengths. So, of course, I learned something, too.
But—full disclosure—nothing makes me happier than when someone flips to a random page of my book and completely relates to what they’re reading. At the end of the event, books were selling (and yes, a few given away) and I’m down to my last five when one of the audiences members (with a dope story in her own right), got super geeked reading a specific line on page 31. I even had another woman report that she started reading it when she got home that evening and didn’t stop until she was done. The flutter in my heart still hasn’t left at the sound of her words.
Later I got to see some of my favorite people at my best friend’s baby shower. As soon as we walked in the door, it was all love. She’s an event planner at heart so of course the venue was really cute and full of laughter.
By the time I got home, I was tired but so hyped that I designed my book cover for Soul Fed in one sitting. Now I’m focused on getting the book edited just to see what the cover will look like in real life. I have a lot of work to do. But these past few days made me realize that I need to take more time to celebrate the benchmarks that I have reached.
So my goal for the end of the year is to “leave no accomplishment uncelebrated.” I intend to live on cloud nine for the rest of the year and expect everyone around me to get comfortable up here with the same energy.
Do you have ideas that you are working on or waiting to come to fruition? What’s going to push you to check them off your list before the end of the year?
Note to my village: We have a new baby, November and December birthdays and family gatherings to prepare for; we are so blessed! Thank you in advance for riding this wave with me! I love y’all!
Bruh, here’s a not-so-secret secret: I struggle with being in control.
If I’m being real, I can paint a picture for you. Give me a second… Okay, so:
A. Sometimes, I roll my eyes at people who I think don’t know what they’re doing instead of helping them.
B. Although I’ll say when I’m wrong, I want things to be my way in relationships because I know best.
C. At work, my patience is only reserved for my teens—because every adult should “know better than” fill-in-the-blank.
I know, I’m highly flawed and I’m sure there are a few more examples that could be added to the list.
And yet, I’m working on it. This life gets difficult and tiresome and people don’t care and, at times, we get frustrated or ready to clap back or move before the next step of our journey has been revealed to us.
But God operates differently than we do. Just when we think we have control over the situation, there’s a turning point with the purpose of our getting closer to Him; remembering He’s the head; and that He requires our TRUST and FAITH and ACKNOWLEDGEMENT that He is in control.
Last week, I was struggling with changes at work. The week before that it was a change within my personal life. Change will always come. That’s literally how the cycle of life works. It dawned on me (mid-complaint) about one of these changes that I sounded foolish and faith-less. I literally had to stop and say to myself: “Fear or faith? You gon pick one or nah?”
In this season, God is reminding me that with our FAITH should come the desire for us to be still and allow God to take control over every situation in our lives.
“For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.”
Philippians 2:13 NLT
Praying that He continues to stretch my heart to match His desires as I wait on the way He wants me to move forward. AND that I have the sense to take each of these that I wish to control to Him in prayer.
Hosted an event, facilitated class today, and an hour and a half-long admin meeting.
But God gave me the strength… This is a Gal. 6:9 moment. Just being able to sit still, alone.
Grateful for a day filled with great conversations, but I am really gracious for this moment to:
—collect my bearings.
—rest my mind.
Did I say breathe?
I love building community, but it comes with a price. I had a guy ask me out to drinks this weekend—and I said no. For a few reasons, but mainly because I’m looking forward to recouping from today and this week and the very similarly structured week ahead.
In fact, the thought of not going to church on Sunday crossed my mind, too. Now that I’ve sat in my car one Tasha Cobb song too many, I have to go and get My Joy with a smile on my face and with energy I do not have this evening.
And I wonder: How many more of us are running on fumes?
As we move into Mother’s Day Weekend, I pray that after the celebrating and the gifts that you get a moment to just breathe the sacred air found in solitude. I pray your weekend is a reflection of your actual priorities and passions and not solely those of beloved family members. I pray you get to breathe in the midst of it all.
Crazy quilts are unique and innovative quilts created from scraps of material. They're crafted from odd pieces that don't always match or fit together without the work of an artist. My hope is for a world that values this unique artwork. I blog to make IPOC authors and their works more accessible, to make all the pieces fit together.